A little while ago, whilst holidaying on the idyllic island of Majorca, an unlikely friendship was formed between myself and a rather beautiful, calico feline after she sashayed into the grounds of the villa one day and instantly made herself at home. Here are our own separate diary entries each documenting the tender evolution of our wonderful palship...
I have arrived.... prepare to adore me, human....
Day 1, Me: Cat appeared from nowhere...very friendly...decided to give her treats. Have called her 'Holiday Cat' aka 'Meow-Meow'. Day 1, Cat: Another human arrived from 'Who gives a shit'...particularly malleable...decided to purr for her to acquire treats. Have called her 'Sucker' aka 'Sucker'. Day 2, Me: Wonderful to be greeted on terrace this morning by Meow-Meow...her affectionate rubbing around my legs brought even more joy to an already glorious day. Day 2, Cat: Wonderful to rid self of build-up of evening's shite by rubbing fur on legs of Sucker...brought much relief to an already itchy day. Day 3, Me: Relaxing here by the pool in the brilliant sunshine, I cannot help but gaze and ponder upon the graceful dexterity of Meow-Meow as, through a series of well-practiced licks, she scrupulously tends to her personal hygiene regimen. Nature truly is a wonderful thing. Day 3, Cat: Sprawled here in the blinding sunshine, I cannot help but wonder why Sucker persists to stare at me so intensely and at length as I lick my arse...voyeurism truly is a worrying thing.
Day 4, Me: This morning, opened balcony door...Meow-Meow deposited mouse by feet...screamed...found courage to grab slice of ham to distract her...rescued mouse and placed in box to recover. Day 4, Cat: Gift well received...Sucker squealed with what can only be interpreted as delight...took offering away obviously to devour in private. Slice of ham reward for my generosity. Hm...more rodent gifts to follow methinks. Day 5, Me:
Does this LOOK like my happy face???
Arrived back from sightseeing jaunt later than expected...good to be welcomed by harmonious mewling of a very patient Meow-Meow endearingly unperturbed by the lateness of the evening meal I always prepare for her. Day 5, Cat: Where the f**k has she been all day and where the f**k is my food! Day 6, Me: Thunder and lightning raging across sky...despite my fear of it I cannot leave Meow-Meow to endure it outside alone...I shall sit with her, stroke her and bring her comfort. Day 6, Cat: Whole evenings ratting ruined by my having to babysit soft-shite, Sucker.
Mmm...sardines...whoopie f*****g woo!!!
Day 7, Me: My last day at the villa...dreading saying goodbye to Meow-Meow tomorrow...tonight will be her last treat of the tinned sardines she so adores. Day 7, Cat: For God's sake, when will Sucker and her sardine obsession sod off back home!...my breath reeks and my oily farts are knocking me sick!
Day 8, Me: Never expected to get so attached to Meow-Meow...will miss her morning greetings...will miss the company of her gentle softness...will miss the soothing hum of her purring...will miss her... Day 8, Cat: Never expected to get so attached to Sucker...will miss her morning greetings...will miss the company of her gentle strokings...will miss the soothing hum of her noises....will miss.......hold on...are those new people arriving???......Sucker?...Who the hell is Sucker???...
Dear Person On Duty Behind The 'We Are Here To Help' Desk, May I suggest that in order to perpetuate the myth that you actually ARE 'Here To help' you replace your customer greeting of "Go on then, what's up?" with a more courteous "Good morning/afternoon, how may I help you?"
Perhaps, should you ever manage to undergo the necessary surgery to remove a cupped palm from an unshaven chin as you lean upon your elbow in a state of disgruntlement, you could attempt to curve your tightly pinched, inconvenienced lips into, at least, the semblance of a smile? (A visual aid has been included with this missive to assist you in implementing such an arduous manoeuvre). Also, as innovative as it may be that you have utilised your body odour as a means of repelling customers who bear complaints, I personally find the anaesthetising properties of your pungent pits to be overly productive. Perhaps a visit to the 'personal hygiene' section of your store could prove advantageous both for yourself and for anyone within a five-mile radius. Dear Person Who Parks Car On Pavement Blocking All Pedestrian Access Causing Havoc For Disabled People And Those Pushing Prams, You park in disabled bays too, don't you? Well, being a selfish prick isn't a disability! Think of people other than yourself!
Obviously, in order to do that, you'd need to enquire about having your lobotomy reversed, however, I'm certain such an effort would be gratefully appreciated by all those vulnerable passers-by who struggle daily to resist the urge to take a sledgehammer to you and your vehicle!
Dear Person Who Lets Their Dog Off The Lead In Park Despite Plethora Of Signs Stating It Is PROHIBITED!, No doubt it will come as a great shock to discover that your precious bundle of bouncy-wouncy furriness has the potential to rip a baby's face off based on the principle that anything with a f******g mouth can bite!! Yes, I know that your fluffy-diddums wouldn't hurt a fly but flies are not at risk here, are they? I grasp that it's hard for you to absorb the notion that your four-legged chum could be more 'feral' than 'friendly' but that's just how it is.
And yes, I've read the heartwarming stories where a poor pooch left bereft by its owners' demise has kept a loyal, lengthy and solitary vigil splayed across their grave...very touching... ...but I've also read the heart-stopping stories where a poor pooch, suddenly and inexplicably bereft of its senses has unceremoniously leapt upon its owner, shredding them to pieces as one would pulled pork whilst casting a blood-crazed eye over the hamster for potential dessert! And finally... Dear Person Who Wears Crocs, DON'T!!!