Saturday, 30 May 2015

A Right Pain in the.... *BLOG POST*



It's always with great reluctance I ever go to the doctors. I loathe acquiring the need to go...I loathe the battle with the receptionist to allow me an appointment to let me go...and I loathe being stuck in a waiting room that's bulging with bug carrying beings secreting their bacteria willy-nillily into an atmosphere already polluted with the infected detritus of patients past!

So, one day, in a effort to avoid such a scenario, after having spent a couple of days prior in growing agony with a pain in my side...it was with equal reluctance I decided to ring the NHS helpline ( as it was then)  to seek their advice...

"Good morning, NHS Direct" said the monotonic voice with all the warmth of a mortuary slab!

"Oh hello, sorry to bother you, but I wondered if you could help me?"

"What's the problem" she yawned

"Well, I've an intense pain down my back and into my side"

"What kind of pain?"

Why do people ask that question??? How am I supposed to answer?..."It's a wonderful pain really, I'm reluctant to part with the agony!"

What I actually said was...

"All I can tell you, is that it's a painful pain"

"Can you describe it to me?" I could sense her eyes rolling as she grunted this request!

Retro Humor
"What? Describe it to you? Well, not really...maybe if I screamed down the phone you could assess it!"

Her sigh was palpable.

We stumbled around a few more questions as I grimaced in increasing discomfort, until she asked...

"What do you think you've got?"

"Pardon?" an incredulous gasp escaped from behind my clenched teeth.

"What do YOU think you've got?"

"What do I think I've got???...'What. Do. I. Think. I've. Got'!!!...You're not quite grasping the concept of Helpline are you?...Aren't you supposed to tell me?....Isn't that how this works!!"

I was so frustrated at this point that after expressing my feelings through continuing spasms of agony I decided to slam the phone down....and would have done so had she not done so first!

Well, there was nothing else for it, I was going to have to bite the bullet and confront the wizened harridan behind the reception desk at the doctors surgery, pissed with power 'cos she's got her own stapler! I believe she was engaged to be married once.....but then he got his sight back! I swear, if you were to collapse at her desk, she'd write for an ambulance!!

we <3 ZiggyAnyway, I took a deep breath and rang the surgery to make an appointment. 

"Doctors surgery"...she spat.

"I'd like an appointment to see Dr. Handson tomorrow please"


"If you want an appointment tomorrow you'll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning"


"Well, given that I'm ringing now couldn't you just mark it down for me please?" 

"No...we can only allocate appointments on the day".


"Ok, can I have an appointment with Dr. Handson this morning then please"


"No...he's booked up"


"Oh right...well...are you sure I'll get in to see him tomorrow then?"


"No...you'll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning and I'll tell you"


"For God's sake! What about tomorrow afternoon then? Can you book me in for then?"


"If you want an appointment tomorrow afternoon you'll need to phone at 2:30 tomorrow" 


"Oh Holy Jesus in Heaven!"...I strained. "I've got high blood pressure you know...I can feel my veins stretching! You're not helping here! Have you...for the sake of Christ...got anything for this afternoon then?????".


"It's possible"


"It is?...Is it?"...I'd never been this excited since I got the card telling me I'd won the beauty competition......I love Monopoly I do!


 "Wonderful...can you tell me what time please?"


"No...You'll have to phone up at 2:30"


Shortly after this episode I was admitted to hospital with concussion after smashing myself in the head, several times with a handset! As for the pain in my side? Thankfully it vanished, seems it couldn't compete with the right pain in the arse the days events had provided!

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Never mind...



My fear is not

To lose my mind

My fear is that

My mind I'll find!




Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard


Themes and Dreams...





The world we now live in

Holds no place for dreams

And hope is but a memory

Of a redundant theme




Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

( Artwork by Banksy )

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Darkness & Decadence




Signed copies of Darkness & Decadence - the d├ębut poetry collection by Lynn Gerrard priced at £5.99 are available (priced inclusive of postage below) by clicking on the Paypal BUY NOW button for your area.

The book is also available unsigned on Amazon in paperback and of course there is a Kindle version too.


Please note that the prices below include postage to seperate regions. Please only use the BUY NOW button relevant to where you live (e.g. France - the European Delivery button or America - the International Delivery button).


UK Delivery: £8.99 P&P Inclusive.


Price includes UK Postage



European Delivery: £9.99 P&P Inclusive.




Price includes Europe Postage



International Delivery: £11.99 P&P Inclusive.


Includes International Postage







A full review of Lynn's Live Spoken Word Show of 'Darkness & Decadence' can be found on the online blog ralphslife.co.uk






Amazon review by: Bodica

"When I found out this long-awaited collection was out at last I bought it straight away and wasn't disappointed. I loved this collection of dark gargoylian grumblings from the poetress Lynn Gerrard. Lynn takes humankind and lays open every hidden emotion. She made me laugh, made me sad and then made me laugh again. A fabulous collection of emotive prose which can be read again and again to find new depths."


Amazon review by: sagababe

"This is the long awaited debut volume of the poet's work. I have been a fan of her poems for several years, but they have only been available to read on her blog. It is rare to find a poet comfortable in so many formats: tiny exquisite micro-poems glitter like jewels. Descriptive poems paint pictures in your head that linger well after you have closed the book. Longer 'political' or social poems have you nodding in agreement. This is a volume to read at leisure, or to devour in one sitting. But however you choose to access her work, you will return to re read and savour it. Recommended."


Amazon review by: Peter Davey

What struck me first about Lynn Gerrard’s wonderful collection of poems ‘Darkness and Decadence’ is that it’s unlike anything I’ve seen before. So many contemporary poets just sound like different versions of each other, with their studied, self-consciously poetic language and desperate, gimmicky strivings after originality. Lynn Gerrard just tells it how it is, straight from the shoulder, without a hint of poetic posturing – and thus her poems are accessible to everyone. In many of them, she does what she has already become notorious for on social media – taking our deepest and darkest childhood nightmares and blasting them with her humour. 

One of my favourites is ‘An Appointment with Death’ where the Grim Reaper comes into the doctor’s surgery to pick up his anti-depressants. If Death can be seen as a ridiculous figure we all recognise, why should we fear him? Other poems, such as ‘How Quiet the Grave’, handle similar themes but always in a tone that, however macabre, is faintly tongue-in-cheek. God may not be able to redeem us, she seems to say (I don’t think she has much time for God) but humour can. Others poems, such as ‘The Lovers’, are wry comments on everyday life. 

Others are beautiful and poignant reflections on things we all share and recognise – relationships, separation, betrayal, creativity and the fragility of human love. Then there’s the hypocrisy of politics, religion and materialism – nothing escapes Lynn Gerrard’s pen. One of the most poignant – ‘A Dragon and a Gargoyle’ - mourns the popularity of the old storybooks that used to fire children’s imaginations. Despite the huge canvas, Lynn’s voice throughout is one of honesty, compassion and humanity as well as her irresistible humour. 

She also has a considerable talent for performing her own work – so far I’ve only seen her on YouTube but would love to see her live one day. I can thoroughly recommend this beautiful collection and can’t wait to see how her work, and her career, develop.

Friday, 8 May 2015

Womb to Tomb...



From womb to tomb

That's how it goes

And where we end up

No one knows

And where we've been

Nobody cares

'Cos wherever we are

We are not there



Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 2 May 2015

Grave Reflections...



"What do you do

For a living?" he asked

And in earnest

She did say

"I think of the girl

Who used to be me

And I die a little

Each day"



Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard