Saturday, 29 November 2014

Ding-Dong-Soddin'-Merrily.....an' all that!!...




Just to explain...my most recent vent, which you are about to suffer was written following my having been cruelly subjected to a certain 'Festively Heartwarming' video recently....I'm still trying to un-clench my fists!!...




Well, it's that time of year again whereby it's generally accepted that if you stuff a random, dodgy looking white-bearded fat guy into an equally dodgy looking red suit and ram a supposedly 'tear-jerking' script down his throat, amidst a backdrop of snow-capped bullshit and then stuff him in a musty old shed with some suitably maudlin merry-mind-f**k music attempting to subliminally manipulate your emotions....


...he will regurgitate a heart-rending story of such condescending bollocks as to have you racing to your computers to order industrial sized quantities of tissues in between clicking on 'virtual' orphans to pity during the festive season.........but not beyond it!... 



Obviously, that elevated feeling of...'Good Will To All Men'...an' all that shite, will dissipate the moment the video is over, allowing you to cancel your tissue order and replace it with whatever garbage the Yuletide advertising industry is insisting you can't live without this Christmas...as they themselves "HO-HO-HO" all the way to the Bank of Ding Dong Merrily & Kerching!!...

Anyway...

What am I going on about?...

I'll show you if you can strain yourself to be a little more patient...*points above to 'Good Will' etc...sighs*....

Right...before you read further, it is ESSENTIAL that you take a look at the video below...this should help you understand the rant which follows...



Okaaaaaaaay...let's put this into perspective!..

Where the kid could have offered to fill the universe with love and kisses for her 'daddy'...(albeit as a verbal gesture...I'm not expecting miracles, we'll leave those to the Catholics).....she selfishly chose to use ALL the paper and VAST amounts of 'Scotch Tape' to pointlessly prove her affections via what is, essentially, a box full of spit, lies and deceipt...(3 hours blowing air into a cardboard void?...I don't effin' think so)... AND at the cost of the partial demise of yet ANOTHER rain forest!!...*arches brow*...

The real meaning behind the conversation......

Daddy : "You haven't saved any of the paper for me have you Katy"

Katy: "No Daddy...'cos F**k you Daddy"

But that seems to be acceptable to 'Santa' who used the Scotch Tape to mock the Titanic tragedy when he said "Katy's used so much of the Scotch Tape she could have repaired the hull of the Titanic with it...HO-HO-HO"!.............How seasonably sensitive of him!...

What lessons have we learned from this festive message?...

Well, one is...that nothing puffs Santa's cheeks up with cheer as much as the misery and heartache which follows a good ol' human catastrophe...


In fact, there's many a Christmas scene depicting a red-faced jovial Santa in the forefront, as the very iceberg which sank the Titanic drifts chirpily along behind him!

But mostly, the lesson learned is that the kid is a spoiled brat who, despite her father's requests to be frugal with the paper AND the reminder that it was 3 days before Christmas so present opening wasn't on the agenda, stamped her feet 'till she got what she wanted! Well, more fool daddy....God help him during the teenage years!



And where's mummy through all of this? Rehab I suspect...driven to drink by her dysfunctional family and the white-bearded psycho who is obviously stalking them!...This could explain why a four-year-old would be 'toddling' into the room to speak to her dad rather than walking with a gait more usual for a four-year-old!.....'cos she was off her face on the booze her alcoholic mother had failed to successfully hide!... 



ANYWAY......don't let my little rant on the moronic bullshit we're drip-fed at this time of year, PARTICULARLY this time of year,  tilt YOUR  world....If this is how you enjoy a Merry Little Christmas....then feel free to do as Santa says and....

"Be The Santa In You"..........yeah....then see how YOUR family react when you give them a great big box full of f**k all on Christmas day........


Merry Christmas ....:)

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard 


17 comments:

  1. Erm...a little bit speechless, Lynn. Ho ho hum - bug and all that. Gosh, is it OK if I blow you a kiss from under the mistletoe or send you a mince pie wrapped in alcoholic pigeon feathers? No 'course not. I'll just blow the reindeer a few raspberries and wish you a miserable damp and dreary season of humbugery! xx (These little crosses are just little marks of respect. No spit, hot air, wrapping paper or 'Scotch Tape' involved. - unless that pesky toddler wormed her way in and changed it all after I'd finished.)

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  2. Hahaha!....Christmas with Catherine is always a delight....:) x

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  3. You daftie! I know you decorated your gutter WEEKS ago, and you have alrady bought and wrapped my present.

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  4. Oh don't get me wrong Hedges...I LOVE Crimble...but I can't abide the overly syrupy rubbish we're suppose to swallow...and THAT video really pinged me the wrong way...Look *points* I'm still pinging!!...

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  5. I see! Well I've not chucked out the mince pie a la pigeon feather in slime gin so I'll save it until it's well matured and hang it on the the gutter xmas hook for you Lynn. I do agree that Christmas is spoilt with all the mush and frantic shopping, don't even mention Black Friday ugh, ugh, ooooh that does make me spit venim. Have a nice quiet Christmas thinking up ghoolish stuff for the New Year sales insanity! He he he xxx

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    1. I just may perch upon your roof and wait for Santa....:)

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  6. Ok, don't shoot me, but I fucking love Christmas. My name is fucking everywhere. I branded the month of December. This cracked me up. You are my favorite Gargoyle.

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    1. Hahahaha! and you are indeed a Joy to behold!....Loads of Gargoylian love to you and yours....I may even put a little tree up in my Gutter...;D xx

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    1. Thank you!!....I think our 'Santa's' would get on great together! haha!...:D

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  8. I.....cant....breath!! pmsl! so funny and so very true! now i have watched this video many times in the past and have always held my hand to my heart and said a loud 'AWWW' at the end, however that wont be happening again thanks to you my Gargoyle who AGAIN has managed to change my view on something i ONCE felt all warm and fuzzy about :D ...Ohh i do like you darkening my soul :D xxx

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  9. I'm with you grumbly. I get SO angry at the do-gooders this time of year. I don't blame the kids. It's those pampering parents that spoil them, give them everything they want instead of teaching, by example, to give, no take. Far too many children in this world, even our two rich nations, go to bed hungry every night, while others throw away perfectly good food.

    Sorry, I'm ranting. I just get so angry!

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    1. No Hap! You're not ranting...we share the same opinion! it makes me VERY angry too x

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  10. Don't know if my comment reached you or disappeared so once again have a joyful, gorgeous, naughty and grumpy happy Christmas Lynn. xxxx

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    1. Ohhh, thank you, Catherine...my blog feed's been playing up...as has my comp!...*sigh*...so forgive me if I've missed any of your much appreciated comments...and may you and yours have the kind of Christmas that makes you happy and content...especially the naughty bits haha! ;) xx

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  11. Thanks GG. My comments probably got missed because I messed up when I signed in and then out by mistake before posting! You can't beat me at computer muddles! he! he! And thanks for the lvoely message. xxx

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